The Meaning Of Value

What is the meaning of value to me?

I am not talking about monetary value, or sentimental value. What I am talking about is the value that a person places on another person. I am talking about someone's importance in the view of others, as well as the value someone places on themselves. Value has been an ever-present theme in my life, and I have always struggled to evaluate my own worth, as well as to gauge my own worth to others.



I did something that I have not done since I went to university. I went to go see a counselor. Now that I had enough insurance coverage from my job, I could finally get things off my chest that I have had building inside of me since I was a child. The counselling session that I had was what prompted me to write this post. However, an event took place prompted me to book the session. I will explain this event further down in this post.

I told this counselor everything I could tell him about my life within an hour-long session. The conversation about value came about when I told him about my experiences in school. I hardly did well academically in elementary school, so I felt that my teachers did not value me. I would constantly get in trouble for fighting and general mischief, so I felt that the school administration did not value me. When I would come home from school after getting into trouble, I would get physical abuse from my parents, especially my father, so I felt that my parents did not value me. It felt like I had no one around me, and it was a major source of my anxiety and depression issues going forward in my life, which still rears its ugly head, even now. I am an only child, and I did not have much friends growing up, so this only compounded my issues.

In high school and university, the value was superficial, but in different ways. One way in which it was similar was the need to impress the people around you. In high school, I felt like I was not myself because of that need to hang out with the seemingly popular crowd. I had experiences with drugs and sex that I was not comfortable with at the time, but hey, anything to get some props from your friends. In university, even though I was friends with a great group of people, the culture felt much more toxic than high school. I made some great memories with my university friends, but I was also at my most vulnerable. The value seemed to be things like who can drink the most and who can get with the most girls. It seemed like too many university students were trying to replicate the things that they saw in the movies and TV about university life, and I was firmly entrenched in it. I do not remember having a sober heart-to-heart conversation with any of my university friends. High school and university felt like a facade, in many ways.

Fast forward to the counselling session, and I wanted to end the session on a positive note. I told my counselor about how I refused to celebrate my birthday, because I tended to feel more anxious and depressed than usual, as well as feeling as if I had a life that was not worth celebrating. I told him about the event that caused me to book this session. My coworkers, at the company I was working for, threw a birthday lunch for me. I told my counselor how they did not have to do that for me, and how happy it made me. My counselor then asked me two questions. Why did my coworkers go through the trouble to plan and be present for my birthday lunch, and why did it make me so happy? I could not really answer the question; I just said that it was a good thing to do. He explained that the reason why they did this for you was that they valued you. When he said the word 'valued', I felt myself freeze. I have some family members who are very toxic individuals, and in stages of my life, I was around people who I should not have been around, but here is a group of people who have seen me for me, and actually care. I have never experienced that in my life until now, and it feels good.

The concept of value came full circle for me. After years of thinking that I was worthless, useless, and just a general bad person due to the things that I have done, it feels like I am starting to come out of the darkness and into the light. Occasionally, I do get these negative thoughts in my head that I can never escape my past and that deep down, I am still someone who is capable of doing terrible things, but I have learned that these thoughts do not mean anything. I feel like I am a productive member of society, and that people actually like me. Hell, I am sure this blog has put more than a few smiles on people’s faces. I think what I need to do is to just keep trying to put smiles on people’s faces. Maybe this will help me with my self-worth.