Being Hard On Myself (And Other Struggles About Myself)

I am my harshest critic.

Sometimes, my brain tells me that no matter what I do in life, it will never be good enough. I can never accept any sort of positive feedback from anyone, as my brain will immediately dismiss it as not true. I immediately discredit any accomplishments, as my brain is already thinking about the next thing, instead of living in the moment and rewarding myself. My brain periodically likes to remind me that I cannot escape being the person that I used to be, or rather, that I still am the person that I am trying to distance myself.

These are just some of the ways that I am hard on myself. Negative thinking manifests itself into a monster living in my head. As I sit at my desk writing this, I look over to my right to see my university degree, but I cannot think of it as an accomplishment for two reasons. The first is that nowadays, large amounts of young people obtain university degrees, and so how is my university degree any special? The other reason is that my parents love to remind me that they have paid a large chunk of my university expenses, such as tuition and rent. Therefore, if my degree is an accomplishment, it is the accomplishment of my parents for paying for most of it.

I guess that one of the reasons why I am so hard on myself is because I seem to be desperate to make some form of mark on the world. This blog is one of those ways that I am trying to make some sort of impact on the world. Do not get me wrong, writing is a passion of mine and it always will be, but I cannot help but shake this nasty feeling in my head that writing this blog is nothing more than a fruitless attempt to feel important.

I sometimes get an unsettling feeling in my stomach, especially when I have to go to some social event. The feeling in my stomach becomes even more unsettling when it involves a large crowd, and/or I have to go somewhere where I have never been before. I am naturally introverted, so any time I would have to go to a social event, I think to myself that I would much rather be at home in my bed reading or playing video games. However, I need to force myself to go out sometimes because I need to socialize with others, which has its own benefits for quality of life.

Before the end of 2018, I went to go see my therapist so I could use up the rest of my insurance coverage for the year. I do not remember exactly the topic of conversation, but I distinctly remember mentioning to him that I feel like I will always be a bad person. I can never seem to shake off any of the bad things I did when I was younger, as it is like a permanent stain on myself. My therapist told me to try to make peace with my younger self by looking at a baby picture and telling that younger self, how you feel. I cannot look at baby pictures of myself or listen to my parents talk about their struggles in raising me without wanting to cry. I look at my baby picture, and the thing I immediately notice is the innocence. That baby deserves so much better than to be the person I currently am.

I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before I forget.