I initially did not want to create a third blog post about changing my job, but there were unaddressed feelings that I could not stop thinking about. I talked about my old company's lack of action of making me feeling important, as well as keeping in contact with my friends in the midst of a pandemic. However, I did not talk about what leaving my old company meant for my co-workers, especially in my old department. I realized that in order for me to move forward in my life and in my career, I might have to hurt the people I care for.
During this past summer, I was already seriously looking for another job, but there was an instance where it felt like there was a placing of a deadline on when I needed to find that new job. In July, my co-worker let me know that she was pregnant, and that she would be going on maternity leave in November. I was the person that would be fulfilling her duties during her leave, so I would learn what I can from her while she was still here, although I was still looking for another job in my spare time. I obviously found my new position in September, and so I had to let everyone know that I would be leaving the company.
I have to be selfish, and I have to do what is best for me. I have already explained my reasons for leaving my old company in my first blog post about changing my job, but I need to be looking forward in my life. However, I cannot stop thinking about the ramifications on my old department once I left the company. My pregnant co-worker now had to train my boss and another co-worker on the things that I was supposed to do, causing unnecessary stress on her, which she does not need considering she will soon have her baby. My boss and my other co-workers now have two people leaving the department and so they would have a lot more work on their plate. There would be so much change within my department that I feared that it would be too much for them to deal with. I felt like any failings because of this change would be my fault.
On the other hand, of those feelings I had when I left the company, I thought about what I was feeling during the last year I was at my old company. I talked at length about my burnout earlier this year, but on many work nights, I would be home with migraine headaches and difficulty sleeping. I would sometimes have vomiting fits due to stress from my old job. I think about the toxic office politics plaguing my old company and the conflicts I would have with other co-workers, especially when one of those co-workers would say racist things towards me. I knew that if I ended up staying at my old company and covering for my pregnant co-worker, I would have been heading for a downward spiral of mental anguish and depression. I had to leave for my sanity, which I have decided to be more important than thinking about my co-workers.
As mentioned in my second blog post about changing my job, I try to keep in contact with some of my co-workers and offer my assistance in some of their new duties. In my last days at my old company, I have tried to make the transition as smooth as possible for my co-workers, but that is all I can do. I have to let go of this past and deal with the things in front of me. If there is anything I can hold on to from my old company within the haze of toxicity, there are indeed diamonds in the rough that I can reach out for if things get tough for me.
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