I occasionally write posts like this where I can check in on my mental health, and the purpose of this post is to talk about the thoughts going on in my head. Last November, I went to the CONCACAF Nations League match between Canada and Jamaica and I already talked about the match and everything surrounding it. While I was watching the match from the homely and familiar surroundings of section 114, there were other things on my mind while watching the match. I want to use this post to talk about these other things.
These days, I do not go to BMO Field to watch football matches as often as years past for two reasons. The first reason is that I no longer go to Toronto FC matches. The second reason is the infrequency of Canada home matches at BMO Field. For me, going down to the stadium is like a special occasion for me to experience something I enjoy, rather than a normal occurrence. I go to the matches and lose myself in the atmosphere, but the stadium also gives me the setting to reflect on my life. Last November at the match, this was one such occasion.
I always tell myself that I should not compare myself to others. I am on my own unique path in life with my own successes and challenges. However, I am not immune to this tenet, and I occasionally fall victim to comparing myself to other people. I find myself comparing myself to the friends I have made throughout my life, especially in university and the jobs I used to work. I see many of my friends on social media (which is admittedly terrible for comparing myself to others) and they have gone through many of the social milestones in life, such as finding a lifelong partner, getting married, and having children. I have done none of these things, and I feel the societal pressures every day from my parents and family members that I need to do these things before it is too late.
While this thought is occurring in my head, I am in section 114 during the match chanting and singing and immersing myself in the atmosphere that my fellow Voyageurs have produced. Am I going to be doing this my entire life while not advancing myself socially in my life? Am I just trying to escape from it all, and going to the match is the most enjoyable way for me to do so? This is probably the answer for me, though there is no true answer. I do not even know why I link going to football matches with these thoughts about my mental health.
I feel like I have not changed or evolved from where I was since I left university. I have made achievements in my life in terms of advancing my work career, and earning enough that I can live relatively comfortably and even splurged on things and experiences that I could only dream of having. However, I do not feel like I have evolved as a person. I could maybe try to learn some life skills that will benefit me for the rest of my life. I think I have tied my lack of evolution to going to football matches because I do the same thing every time when I sit in section 114, and that is lose myself in the atmosphere of the stadium.
What is the next step for me? I am still trying to figure that out. At least for now, I can occasionally escape to the stadium and lose myself in my head while singing the football chants.
I will end this with a random thought. I thought about if I was dating someone, I would take them to a Toronto FC game to see who I really am. I almost had this situation myself. Years ago, I thought about taking a girl I knew to the Voyageurs’ Cup Final between TFC and the Vancouver Whitecaps. I asked her, but she declined the invitation. Imagine if she did go, and we would be standing in section 114 enjoying each other’s company while experiencing the match. It feels like a wonderful dream, but right now, it is just that: a dream.
I am not getting any younger, but I still do not know what I truly want.
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