I want to share something with you. I would not call this a dream, or a fantastical thought I had, but it is a blend of the two. This is a blend of something that actually happened to me, with a mix of a fantasy scenario, and it combines two things that I have spoken about in length about this blog. These two things are my value and the time I worked at an old company. Let me briefly go over these things and then lay out this scenario that had been buzzing through my head for the last little while.
All throughout my life, and even to this day, I have had major issues with self-esteem and valuing myself. I had external issues with school and family which, along with my internal issues of dealing with my mental health and depression, caused me to constantly partake in negative self-talk. I could never value myself in any way, in my own eyes and in others. I constantly told myself that I was never good enough, and that I would always never be good enough because of my internal issues, and from what I perceived as others telling me I am not good enough. I have learned to somewhat manage these self-esteem issues through hobbies (such as writing on this blog) and advancing in my professional career (as I could now attach a dollar figure to my worth at a company, which is probably not healthy).
I also worked at a company for about five years during the formative years of my working career. I would consider this to be my first 'big-boy' job and this was the first job I had that was longer than eight months. I ultimately left this company because I was taking on more and more responsibility without having the financial compensation to reflect these new-found responsibilities. I was experiencing terrible burnout during maybe the last year or year and a half of my time at this company. Since I left this company, I have worked for two other companies (including one that I am currently working for) and have since more than doubled my salary. The salary increases, and the numerous other benefits have helped me to make my life more comfortable financially. I also recognize that old company, I have made some great friends, and I would occasionally venture back to my old company to go see them.
Okay, the context has been added, now let me talk about the scenario. The first part of this scenario is the factual part.
One day, I had a day off work and decided to go to my old company and check out my old co-workers. I get there and I see everyone. Now, since I left this company, the company went through some major changes. They received a major investment from a private-equity firm and have since been going through some major changes to their business processes. As part of these changes, my old department got a new boss, who was this new C-level executive at the company. I was asking about this new boss of theirs, and through some shifty-eyes and hesitation, they told me he was a nice guy, though they let slip a couple of details that piqued my curiosity with this individual. The first detail was that he was adamant that his department needed to work in the office (rather than at home) during the pandemic. There were some jobs that you needed to be on-site, but there were many others where you could easily perform your job duties at home. This presented a red flag for me. The other detail was that when he messaged someone on Microsoft Teams, you had to respond to him before he told you what he wanted. This was a red flag to me as well, as it seemed like he did not respect your time enough to just tell you what he wanted in the first message.
Based on these details alone, he seemed like someone who was a bit of a micromanager and wanted to have a sense of control over his employees, which was a contrast to my old boss at this company, who mostly left us alone and trusted us to get our work done. Who am I to judge about this person, though? I never worked with him before, but a part of me did want to meet him and size him up. This is where the fantasy comes in.
I was talking to my old boss in his office catching up on old times when the new boss walks in the office. So, my old boss introduces me to the new CIO (Chief Information Officer) of the company. We exchange pleasantries and I talk about my time at the company and what I used to do. I ask him about his plans for the department and the transformation of the company. The conversation continues and he mentions that he has an opening in our department for if I ever think about coming back. I respectfully tell him that this company cannot afford my services. This is where the scenario ends.
Imagine myself telling a former company I used to work for that they cannot afford to pay me for my services. It might seem like burning a bridge, but saying something like this will do more wonders for my self-esteem and my value than burning any bridge. Also, my old boss and my co-workers know about the work I had to put in at my old company, and I would prioritize those relationships over some out-of-touch executive who will not pay you what you are worth. I do hope a situation like this happens so I do not have to pretend that I must play the game of pleasing every potential employer and network contact. I have realized that as pompous as it sounds, I have the value within me to act like some companies and offers are beneath my own expectations. I am not going to lie; it feels good to finally feel that way.
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