The Impermanence of Permanence

The one thing that I always end up telling myself is that the only constant in life is change. There is no such thing as going back to the way it was; there is only moving forward. However, I always find my mind wandering back to times in my past; so much to the point that I want to go back and relive some of those times, either to relive some happy memories or to see if I could have done things differently. Reminiscing is a dopamine hit, but it can also reopen some hidden wounds.

We are all floating in this ocean called life. Occasionally, we would bump into each other at similar or different stages in our lives. These interactions may only be brief moments in time, or they grow into things such as friendships or romantic relationships. With coming together, we will all eventually come apart, whether by a specific moment, growing apart due to different circumstances in our lives, or by the sweet release of death.

I feel like I have gone through many different stages in my life (usually punctuated with either a job change, or going to a different school), each with its happy moments and sad moments. I have had different people I interact with at each stage, some becoming friends, and a few becoming more than that at that time. I am always changing (though sometimes I feel like I am the same person I always am). The people around me are always changing. Our circumstances and situations change, and sometimes you have to say goodbye to the ones who have once meant so much to you.

For example, when I was working at a previous job before the pandemic, I would always go chat with one of my co-workers in her office. I admittedly do not like many people in my life, but I knew when I would truly enjoy someone’s company. Even when my mental health was suffering at the tail end of my time at that company, the one thing I would look forward to on my work day was striking up a random conversation with her in her office. It was another one of those instances where we would just click. With the pandemic, me leaving that job, and her starting her own family, circumstances pulled us apart.

Sometimes, the hardest part is letting go. On some occasions, I would think about my time talking to her in her office, or drinking with my university friends in the dorms, or running with the ultras in section 114 during the heyday of Toronto FC. As much as I want to reminisce about those times, those times are no more (maybe except the ultras stuff), and that was hard to accept for me. It is hard for me to accept in the context that I feel like I have not evolved in my life (something I have discussed in previous blog posts). Sure, I am advancing in my career both in terms of knowledge/experience and finances, but I do not want to tie my career to my life, because my career is not my life. I will say that my finances have allowed me to do the one thing that I enjoy, and that is travel.

I will say that I evolved as a person in one sense. I am feeling more comfortable in my own body, and that I am gaining more confidence in doing things that I want to do without the company of others. For example, I booked a solo trip for a few days in another city to check out some things that I would probably have never had the chance to do if I was with someone. I have had to deal with my close family and extended family tell me what I can and cannot do, and so I am going to break out of that mold for the benefit of my mental health.

I only have one life to live, and I am not going to be around forever. None of us are going to be around forever. What kind of legacy do you want to leave when you die? I want to be on this everlasting chase to find happiness, and I feel like I am making progress in that, even if I had to make some hard goodbyes in my life.

The only permanent thing in this world is impermanence.