I need to go back into my mental health bag for this blog post, and I want to talk about a feeling that I had been occasionally having that gives me great grief on some nights. I would normally talk about this with my therapist, but because I do not want to pay the $160 for an hour long session, and no one else would want to hear about my problems for free, I am going to talk about it here on this blog post. Strap yourself in, because this is going to be a bumpy one.
I can divide my life in many ways, and one of those ways are the friends that I keep at each stage of my life. I had my university friends, my Toronto FC friends, my friends from various jobs, etc. As I move on from school to work, and from job to job, my friends would change, and friendships that I have made previously will naturally run its course. We would reach out and hang out with each other less and less until it is like we do not know each other anymore. I briefly talk about friend groups in some of my blog posts, but I want to focus on a specific moment where I truly felt excluded from a friend group once and for all.
I went on social media recently (which is an absolute cancer, by the way), and I saw some posts of a once good friend of mine celebrate an important moment in his life. I remember when we used to work together where crazy work schedules and projects forged our friendship and we would hang out with our other coworkers/friends after work or on the weekend. When I switched jobs, we would still hang out occasionally, but meetings and conversations were less and less frequent. Eventually, we would stop reaching out to each other except for the occasional birthday greeting.
I understand that friendships come and go, but when I saw those posts, I had a mix of feelings. Obviously, I was happy for him, and I reached out to him in a heartfelt message to offer my congratulations. However, I also felt a mix of confusion, sadness, and hurt. I would have loved to have been a part of this celebration for him. There were also times where I would see posts of all my old coworkers/friends go out somewhere, and the only person that would be missing from the outing is me. I think about the "Flaming Moe's" episode of The Simpsons where they have the parody of the "Cheers" theme song (I am really dating myself here) and there is a picture of a sad Homer Simpson looking into the jovialness of the bar from the outside window. I feel like that picture of a sad Homer Simpson in those moments.
It is times like these I would feel the most down and feel the loneliest, and then I start thinking if there was something I did to ruin the friendship or jeopardize the friend group dynamic. I start to think if I am the asshole in all of this. The worst is when I lay down in my bed and my mind runs to all the extremes. Did I ever really belong at all?
It is important to acknowledge that the feelings of confusion, sadness, and hurt in a situation like this are normal and human feelings. I felt hurt because I did not matter enough to be a part of something important. I felt invisible because I had the misguided belief that I was in a space that I thought I belonged in. These are painful moments now, but I need to tell myself that I am worth something to someone, even if I may not necessarily believe it myself. I need to continue to find the people who will always make room for you, without ever having to wonder if I belong.
I deserve to be treated with love as well, right?
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