Toxicity in Conversation

I like to read people, and I do not mean that in a creepy way.

Waterfront Park

I do not come out here as much as I used to.

This is a popular spot in my local city, but not many people come out to the lighthouse, where you can check out the views and feast your eyes on the out-of-place, rather ghastly sight of the Nuclear Plant.

I came out here not only to escape the monotony of my jobs, but also because I had another bout of negative thoughts that were invading my head. Thoughts like "I'm useless", "I'm worthless", and "I'm wasting my time". I came out here so maybe the views can cheer me up a bit.

The Meaning Of Value

What is the meaning of value to me?

I am not talking about monetary value, or sentimental value. What I am talking about is the value that a person places on another person. I am talking about someone's importance in the view of others, as well as the value someone places on themselves. Value has been an ever-present theme in my life, and I have always struggled to evaluate my own worth, as well as to gauge my own worth to others.

Why I Don't Celebrate My Birthday + A Trip To The Art Gallery

A little while ago, my birthday came and passed. I am not the type to celebrate birthdays or anything like that because I feel like there is nothing to celebrate. It is just another day to me, and nothing else. I know people that enjoy the spectacle of it, and would spend as long as 1 week or even 2 weeks celebrating their birthday with lavish parties and expensive gifts, but I am the complete opposite. When it comes to my birthday, it feels like I have two choices: to celebrate it with everyone, or celebrate it with no one. There is no in-between. If I were to celebrate it with everyone, I would have to organize a party, and invite everyone. Honestly, that is too much work for someone, and why would I want to spend my own time doing all that? It is exhausting.

Whenever my birthday comes along, I tend to withdraw into myself and I catch myself feeling more anxious and down more than usual. Apparently, there is a term called the "birthday blues" where there is a general feeling of sadness by a person in or around his/her birthday and that was exactly what I was feeling. I cannot be bothered to see these seemingly fake and forced Facebook posts from people I barely talk to, send me some half-assed birthday message because Facebook told them to. I tend to just avoid people in general by turning my phone off for the whole day, and if I do interact with people, I don't mention that it's my birthday because I don't want to seem like I'm bragging. I look at my birthday as a day of reflection to see what has changed for the better in my life. When I see that I have not improved in some way in my life, it only contributes to the general feeling of anxiety. In addition, it feels like the kind of life I have lived does not merit any celebrating.

On my birthday, I needed to get out and do something that only I would enjoy, and not have anyone join me on this little mini-adventure. Therefore, I bought a ticket to go to the Art Gallery of Ontario, because looking at art is generally a solitary activity, so it was right up my alley. I have never actually been to an art gallery at all, so I was happy to spend the day partaking in an interesting experience. I woke up early; left the house before my parents could get up, and put my phone on flight mode so I would not receive any notifications on social media or any calls/texts. I get to the art gallery, and after walking up four flights of stairs (without realizing there was an elevator), I start from the top floor and working myself down checking out all the art pieces and collectibles.

There was an exhibit going on about the art scene in Toronto in the 1970s and 80s, and its effects on the city today. I got to see how intertwined the art from the alternative communities (such as the black and gay communities) and the politics at the time were (two major events being the Spadina Expressway protests and the bathhouse raids). The rest of the gallery was dedicated to the contemporary art pieces from popular international and Canadian artists, as well as various collections of jewels, stones, sculptures, and religious pieces. The pieces that resonated with me the most are the paintings that showed a snapshot of daily life or of a particular event. Those kind of paintings get my mind racing and it springs more questions about what else would be going on at that time. It was quite stimulating and I did not feel bored at all, nor did I feel anxious because I went by myself. 

After the visit, I did other things to get my mind off the fact that it was my birthday, such as check out Chinatown and go to the Toronto FC match. I think I should spend some of the summer checking out the various neighborhoods of Toronto and just absorb the surroundings around me. I like that sort of thing.

You should not have to spend your birthday doing things that people expect you to do, such as throw a huge party and get drunk. It is a stigma that needs to be exorcised. After all, it is your day, and you should spend it how you see fit. I am glad I did.

Why I Miss Going To School...

This September will be the first time that I will not be starting a new school year since I was a young child. I remember when I was younger how much I hated going to school, but as I grew older and went through high school and university, I began to appreciate (and eventually enjoy) going to school and actually learning about something every day. As you may or may not know, this past June, I graduated from university with my Bachelor's degree, and now work full time at a job in my general field of study. Today, I see people posting Facebook statuses, tweets, and just generally talking about going back to school, and it aggravated me. It aggravated me because I know I won't be going back, where I had much more freedom than what I'm doing now.

I hate growing up. I miss school.

Right now, with my job, I'm constantly busy, which means I don't have much time for anything. Some people think that me being busy is a blessing, but it's turning out to be a curse. I get up at 7 in the morning, sit in a cubicle and stare at a computer for 8 hours, and then come back home in the late afternoon. When I come back, I'm usually too tired to do anything. How the hell can I be tired when I sit down at work most of the time? Anyways, at school, I had a lot more free time at my disposal. I was able to have the time to go to class, do homework, work on projects, and study for exams, but I also had the time to socialize. Right now, I don't have much time to socialize with friends, or go out and meet new people.

To build on that last sentence, the only way I get to interact with friends is either by social media or calling/texting. I don't see friends anymore, because I don't have the time for it. It is something I truly miss, and it is something I desperately want back. The only people I see every day are my co-workers, and I don't really see them as friends. They are people I work with, nothing more.

Socializing is just one aspect of what made me happy while I was at school. Another aspect was how liberally I spent my money while I was at school. I would always spend on food, drink, and anything else that I either needed, or enabled me to have a good time or feel happy. Now, even though I am getting regular paychecks, I find myself being much more conservative with my money, and spending only to help my future (though this is a very good thing). You know what I did this week? I opened up an RRSP. Fun, huh? I cared less about money when I was in school, and it was another aspect of my school life that made me happy.

Nowadays, not very many things make me happy. Sure, I get to work in Downtown Toronto and walk around the city on my lunch break, which is mostly enjoyable, but it's not very fulfilling. The train ride to Union Station is reminiscent of my high school days when I would have to take a packed bus to and from school every day. The walk from Union Station to my building is like a death march with hundreds of other suits walking with you with the same drab expression, with the homeless sticking out their hand for change and other people trying to give you flyers you don't need. The elevator to my floor is usually cramped with people and full of the kind of conversation that middle-aged people talk about, such as why their spouses weren't in the mood yet again last night.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my day-to-day life right now is monotonous and predictable, when I compare it to when I went to university. I feel absolutely soulless. The only two ways where I can truly express what is in my soul is through Twitter, and this very blog you are reading. When I was in university, I was able to socialize, and work towards an attainable goal, which was to get my degree. When I was in university, I felt like I still had my soul.

I knew at some point, I would have to take the leap, and finally grow up from school, and enter the working world. I'll admit, I was a bit unprepared, and it surprised me in some ways. For everyone that is about to finish college or university soon (and to those who have just started), enjoy the time you have right now, and cherish it. When you finish school and enter the working world, your entire life will change. I hope it changes for the better for you, and not like how my life ended up. I miss school so much, but these words can't even begin to quantify how much I truly do.

Well, time for me to grow up some more...

My Thoughts and Experiences of My 4 Years at University

So, it has come to this. It's over. I can't help but think that my time in St. Catharines and going to Brock University has went by so fast.

A bit of background on why I came to St. Catharines to live for almost 4 years. There were circumstances back home that would have made my life impossible to live if I stayed home and commuted to a local university. There were people in my high school that tried to make my life a living hell, which I have long since cut from my life. Also, there were some other frightening experiences that I have gone through, that made me want to get away from everything. I made too many mistakes, I made too many enemies, and I certainly made the wrong friends in high school, and what I truly wanted was a new life.

I got that opportunity at a new life, a new me, when I accepted my offer to go to Brock University in September of 2009. For me, it was an opportunity at a fresh start, and an opportunity to forget the wrongs of my past.

When I arrived at residence for the first time, it definitely wasn't what I expected. I was never that good at making friends, and for the first few weeks, I had to repeatedly come out of my comfort zone to try to make friends. It wasn't easy, due to my social awkwardness at the time, but ultimately, it was for the best. I remember the distinct moment when I legitimately felt accepted by my new residence friends, and it came during a competition at the end of the first week of university involving all the halls from all of the residences of university, where I apparently successfully guessed the height of the CN Tower for my hall. Reading up on my random trivia in my spare time certainly paid off.

The rest of my first year went a lot easier after that. I was doing decent in school, I was firmly entrenched in a circle of friends, and I was always meeting new people. Though at times, my first year of university and living in residence felt a bit like high school, because people were still stuck in the immature high school mindset (myself included sometimes), the people in university were much easier to approach and talk to than the people at high school, which was very cliquey. The first year of university was the last time I really got to be a bit immature (it showed in some nights), and it set me for some growing up in the subsequent years of my university career.

When second year started, I made the decision to live by myself, which baffled a lot of my friends, but it was the best decision I ever made. I can't stand living with others, and I keep hearing stories about ruined friendships over roommate issues, which is something I don't want to have happen to me. Living by myself also forced me to grow up and truly fend for myself, which was something I relished, and made me learn a lot about what I wanted. There were a couple of drawbacks about living alone. One of these drawbacks trying to keep in contact with my friends, and at times, I felt like a burden to them. Relating to this, the worst part about living alone was the constant loneliness every night. Some nights, it was manageable, but other nights, it destroyed me emotionally. There were some nights that I wished that someone was around to talk to. If you are going to live alone, be prepared for the emotional pain that comes along with it, but I managed to get through it.

Second year, school-wise, was a lot tougher. I was originally accepted to Brock to do accounting, but with every day that passed, I was losing the passion to finish my accounting degree. I was struggling with classes and nearly failing them to the point where I pretty much lost it and demanded to myself that I needed to change. There was also some events that took place back home which made it unlikely that myself and my family was going to pay for my tuition for the rest of my time at university. With all that going on in my life at the time, I thought my life was finished. Second year was easily the worst time for me at university.

Third year came along, and for some reason everything started to change. I got out of accounting and looked for something within the business profession that I enjoyed, and I found it in Information Systems. With that, my grades started to improve significantly. To be honest, I don't really remember much from third year, other than trying to improve my grades and trying to keep in contact with friends.

In order to try to graduate in 4 years, I chose to take courses in the spring/summer. Coming off a generally positive third year of university, I was optimistic about this, even if it meant staying in school a couple of months and missing out on some sunny days. That spring turned out to be the spring of re-acquaintance for me, which was absolutely fantastic. That spring was also the time where I began to really delve deep into who my real friends were here at university, and who I thought were good friends but ended up being worse than I thought they were. Living in St. Catharines during that time had a major flaw, being that the vast majority of my friends went home for the spring/summer, so loneliness hit especially hard for me at that time.

Fourth year could not have been any better for me. I was taking courses which I enjoyed and was doing incredibly well in, I was doing independent research in the hopes of attaining new skills which I also enjoyed, and I was continuing to be social, which helped my general mood. With all this fun I was having these days, it's hard for me to come to grips with finally having to leave for good. I'll leave some general thoughts about this entire experience.

When I first came to university, I was young and stupid. But now I am four years older, four years wiser, and finally grown up. There is the possibility that I will end up going back home and potentially face my own demons from my past, but I think I will be able to handle it now. All I can do now is try to look forward, and try not to think about my past. I've met some great people here, probably some of the best people I have met so far in my life, and it was a welcome change from the negativity that surrounded me in my high school years. I also believe that I have gotten exactly what I wanted from this entire experience, in terms of an education, and in terms of hopefully building long lasting friendships as well. Looking back at all of this, there were some things I could have changed, but it is what it is. I am glad that I didn't have to commute from home to go to a local university, because I craved true independence, and it was what I got.

Finally, I would like to thank everyone I've ever met in my four years at university who has made a positive impact in my life, from the first weeks of residence, to the parties and bar nights, and beyond. You have truly made me feel welcome and loved, and for that, I am eternally grateful. You all were everything and more...

Until the next time we may meet, I say, goodbye, and take care of yourselves.